There are many depths to the relationships we hold in our lives, it is what we learn from them that is important.
When I speak of relationships, I do not only mean romantic relationships, I mean relationships of all kinds whether it be friends, family, colleagues and significant others. In each relationship there is also a different depth of connection. As we live our lives, we will encounter all types of relationships at all levels. Some are just casual encounters, some last for a longer amount of time where we start to form closer bonds and some last a lifetime. Some relationships take many years to truly connect, some relationships are filled with genuine love after only a short amount of time. A life long relationship does not mean it has more substance than a shorter relationship. Time is not the determiner of how well or deep a relationship is. I'd like to think there is something else in play, something bigger than time. As much as we think we chose our relationships, there is something larger at play we can't see that is pulling us together with others.
Regardless of the type, length or depth of a relationship, there is one thing that they all have in common. They are here to teach us, to teach us about ourselves and to teach us about others. The importance of any relationship is the growth that comes from it, the growth of both parties. We shouldn't mistake casual encounters as nothing, as some casual encounters we face can teach us more than a life long relationship. It is what we choose to see and accept in ourselves and the other. We may not always like what we see, but seeing it allows us to change it within ourselves and the other. That is what relationships truly are, mutual support and mutual growth.
In every moment of a relationship, we are either teaching or learning. We teach through demonstration, if we are demonstrating love then we learn how to love ourselves and the other more deeply. If we demonstrate fear or negativity, we will end up fearing the relationship itself.
"Everyone we meet will either be our crucifier or our saviour, depending on what we are to them." - A return to love by Marianne Williamson
It is safe to say that not all our relationships will last forever, and it would also be safe to say that not all relationships we've had were pleasing. Whether we see a relationship as strong or weak, good or bad, pleasing or a waste of time is our ego speaking to us. We have forgotten the true meaning of a relationship, for all encounters have meaning. We have forgotten to see the lessons that have been presented to us. When a relationship ends, we see it as a failure, but a relationship would only end if the lessons that were supposed to be learnt were learnt. We were never supposed to engage with everyone we meet from birth until death, that wouldn't be physically possible. We shouldn't feel bad or feel guilt when a relationship ends as long as we have shown love. But instead, we should understand that the relationship has ended because both parties have received what they came to get, both parties have learnt what they needed to. If we understand this, we can all move on in peace knowing that I have benefitted from you and vice versa. As long as we were genuine and loving in our interactions, there is no need for guilt or negative emotions when a relationship ends. We should accept our affinities and allow ourselves to drift apart when the times calls for it.
Forgiveness
I can only speak for myself, but forgiveness is difficult. It has been a struggle for as long as I can remember, to be able to let something go, to truly let it go. Forgiveness is the key to inner peace as it transforms your thoughts from fear and pain to love, but our ego always want its way. So we hold on even though the only person we are hurting are ourselves. Without forgiveness, it would be hard for us to truly accept what is being presented to us, the lessons that are there for us to learn will not be learnt. Only through forgiveness can we truly see clearly.
I'm sure that we have been in relationships where the other seems to always push our buttons. If I'm going to be honest with myself right now, there are still some to this day that I struggle to manage internally, people that I struggle to accept. It is easy to forgive those that have never done anything to make us angry. People who pull on our triggers are our most important teachers as they indicate our limits of forgiveness. They show us where we need to grow and they show us that our capacity for love is still limited. I know I lack patience myself to handle the situations where my negative emotions arise, through seeing this, it is my responsibility to understand that this is the reason why this particular relationship exists, to teach. This is a responsibility we must all hold for ourselves.
It can be hard for us to let go of our negative perceptions of someone else, especially when we know that morally and ethically we are right. But would you rather be right or happy? If you're judging someone else, you are wrong even if you're right, as it is not our job to judge another. I understand that sometimes we might feel that accepting and forgiveness are just approving their behaviour. So we feel the need to judge them and let them know they are wrong. If we are judging someone, or harshly criticize them, we are not closer to correcting their wrong behaviour Treating someone with compassion and forgiveness is much more likely to elicit a healed response. People are less likely to be defensive and more likely to be open to correction.
Forgiveness is a choice to see people as what they could be instead of seeing people's past. Relationship are reborn when we let go of our perceptions of someone's past.
"By bringing the past into the present, we create a future just like the past." - A return to love by Marianne Williamson
I hope we can all one day truly accept and appreciate the relationships that we hold past, present and future. I hope we can open our hearts and to feel more deeply, to allow ourselves to see our ugliness in order to transform it into beauty. May we not judge someone else's ugliness as they are only trying to transform it into beauty, just like us. It is easier when we accept that we are all in the same boat, no one is better than another. We are all in the process of growth and transformation, we are all a work in progress more than we are a success. So I hope we can all see that relationships, no matter how painful they can be at times, are essential to our growth and transformation.